MininoAsesino

Have we actually became so cynical that we just don’t recognize good shit when we see it?! Like, seriously, WTF?! I mean, it’s not that hard right? It’s like, we usually know when great shizz is front of us, but I guess sometimes it’s hard, it’s complicated. Yeah, that’s what it is. It’s so fucking complicated, and don’t be sayin’ “Oh this bitch is soooo wrong, whatevs, what a drama queen!” Nah ah, no gawrls! You know it’s sooo effing true, it is!

I guess it’s all about freaking expectations right?! Yeah, that’s what it is. Mother fucking expectations. We grow with them. It’s like we were born with them. Like this crazy ass fugly mole in our body, we just can’t get rid of it! It’s so annoying! My gawd! Like, seriously, thank you mamma, for letting me grow with them. Whatever, it’s not her fault, it’s society, WHATFUCKINGEVAH! But yeah, we create this whole “reality” and when we face the ACTUAL reality it’s just devastating! Is that sad? Have we let our own little world defeat the real one? And not in a paranoid/ezquisofrenic/psycho kinda way, just like wanting something and just not getting quite completely. When is it cool to just be happy with what you have? Whatever, fucking whatever dudes!

xo

MininoAsesino

Dating. OMG. OMFG. I just don’t get it, I just can’t understand it! Why do we     do it? Why?! Like fo real, it’s by far the weirdest behavior of the human specie. Ok, think about it for a minute. Have you ever gone out with someone you knew before? If so, please stop reading and call your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/bitch/whatevs like right now. If you HAVE gone out with someone you’ve never actually met before, you’ll know what the eff I’m talking about (not blind dates you little smartie pants, asshole!).

You get ready for it right? I mean, you wanna look your best for this one, you get your hair done, mani, pedi, tanni, work out (just a lil’), make up, dress up, you fucking PIMP YOURSELF, this goes for the bros as well (We both know it, it don’t matter if you’re straight, gay, trannie, whatevs, when you wanna get girl and you wanna fuck her vajayjay off you try to look nice right? And if not, then you are a fucking douchebag who doesn’t deserve pussy!)

Anyways, you spend time working on your image and getting mentally ready as well, you don’t wanna end up like a complete loser with no life ahed and absolutely no expectations right? So you prepare yourself. You do your brain work out. But not too much, you don’t wanna look like a pretentious snob.

That’s right, we do all that before a date, we give ourselves completely to someone that we don’t know shit about and who could potentially give you fucking GONORRHEA! If dating is the only way to get a relationship, then fuck it, imma be spinster. Hell yeah.

xoxo

MininoAsesino

Why we don’t have a fucking guide to relationships?! Fo’ real, would it be to difficult for someone to make the perfect –step by step– guide specially made       FOR YOU and directly to you?! It’s weird, I guess in a way we make things complicated right? Everything could be so effing care free. But no, we’re stubborn, we want da best, the motherfucking best, and we just can’t settle with nothing     less right? I mean, it’s cool being a perfectionist and not settling for anything less than what you ACTUALLY want, but, c’mon, perfect bitches don’t grow in trees (OMG! Mental picture! How absolutely motherfuckereffingbiatch AWESOME would it be to have a tree like that?! I know now what I’m getting for christmas y’all!) And even if they did we’d still find something wrong with them.

I guess in a way it’s all about giving right? It’s not that much about being happy and shit, it’s just finding someone who you can relate to, who makes you feel good and you CAN have as much crazyassFUN sex with, it’s about synchronizing with someone. The fucked up shizz is finding that byatch, so when you do (and you will!) be fucking smart ok?! Don’t screw things up with effing insecurities/bullshiting yourself.

xoxo

MininoAsesino

1. Work your ass off! You wanna make it BIG bitch?! It ain’t easy! You gotta work work work to make shizz happen! Don’t just stand there waiting for opportunities to come, create’em! 

2. Take care of yourself. Treat yourself as if you were your boyfriend/girlfriend. Love yourself!

3. Get a tan! Nobody likes to see that pale skinny ass face! It really really helps, you get vitamin D, endorphins, you feel happy and you look hawt as hell!

4. Keep your vagina clean bitches! It’s NOT ok to have someone licking it when that shit smells like pussyasstuna! And that goes for my gays fellas as well! Clean your butt holes jerks! Nobody likes having actual poop while fucking/licking/tasting your ass! Whaaaa? Too far? Try and deny it!

5. Be polite, always say thank you, please and is there something else I can do for you? You have no idea how sweet that is and how cool/cute you look.

6. Do NOT ever cheat! Don’t do it! I’m not even gonna elaborate on this one, just don’t fucking cheat ok?

7. Are you actually gonna eat ALL that?! Really?! Do you actually need all those carbs in your system?! I mean, it’s cool, just don’t come crying later to me saying that you’ll always be alone cuz you’re ugly/fat/smelly/sweaty/obese and miserable.

8. If the gayguy/girl/dude/tranny/lesbo/whatevs that you wanna hook up with is completely wasted and you’re not, don’t try anything frisky! It’s not cool to make out/sleep/blow/fuck/whatevs with someone drunk as hell when you’re not, it pretty much makes you a rapist! There, I said it.

9. Be creative and be smart! Read and get as much culture as you can, there’s nothing hotter and sexxxier than a hotpieceofass who knows shizz.

10. Do not be afraid of your own sexuality. Have fun, do whatever you feel like doing, be as nasty/dirrty as you want, why restrain yourself?

xoxo

Asesino

Ok, we need to talk, seriously guys, this is effing important. How many times do I have to say it? Be fucking youreffingself! I know, I know, everyone says that right? It’s the worst fucking cliche, but it’s soooo real. It’s so annoying when someone limits her/him/whatevs self! I’m sorry, it’s just not sexy at all. 

Being true to yourself is like the only thing we can do to ensure us at least on itty bitty tiny piece of happiness! I mean, the bigest judge that we all have is ourfuckingselves! It’s true! And the reality is that if you’re not having fun at evrysinglemotherfuckahshizz you’re doing it’s not even worth talking about it. You gotta be true to yourself! If you aren’t who’s gonna be? 

Do not be afraid of showing who you are. If you’re in the mood for cocks fucking scream it! If you wanna get a pussy and lick it till there’s nothing left effing do it! If you wanna talk about how good it feels to have someone kissing your motherfuckah butthole don’t be shy ‘bout it. We all have fun and the more limits that we put on ourselves the less we get to enjoy things, so let go and get loose! 

xoxo

MininoAsesino.

Seriously, dudes, wash your fucking hands after you pee! MY GAWD! Is it incredibly hard for y’all or what the fuck? I mean, it’s one of the most esencial things we do right? You go to the bathroom and you wash your hands, and not because your uglyassface cock is dirrty or some shizz like that but because of the effing higiene in the bathrooms! Besides, I do not want to touch your effing hand when the last thang you touched was your nastyfuckingsmellyass cock! 

Really guys, it’s just not hot or sexy! MAJOR TURN OFF! Trust me, if I wanna get in touch with your delishbeautifulhumongous cock I’ll give him a call, I don’t mind having it all over me but at my time and in my terms! 

Believe me, we DO know when you bitches don’t do it! I mean, we can be as dumblondebitches as you want but we still have eyes! And this goes for da ladehs as well whores! Make sure your pussy is always clean so that when he/she/yourmamma/whatevs eats it, it tastes effing delish! Be clean y’all! 

xoxo

MininoAsesino

Is it possible to separate your heart from your body? I’m not effing talking about open heart surgery you stupiddumbassbitches! I mean, really really not giving a rat’s ass about your/her/his feelings, not in a selfish kinda way, nahah, in a fun way, not worrying all the time about every single little shit. Wouldn’t it be better? I mean, we live with this concept of “feelings” right? We live to feel, that’s basically what life is, and we’ve grown with this idea of going deep, peeling all the layers, getting to the root of things. And that’s cool, it’s great, thanks to that kind of thinking we have everything we have but when it comes to relationships I really think that sometimes it’s way much better to just stay on top of it you know? I’m not saying you shouldn’t get involve with someone and fall involve and blah blah blah, all the mediocre bullcrap that we know, no, I’m not saying that, I’m just saying that sometimes it’s better to enjoy being with someone just like that. Two people spending time, having fun, fucking enjoying themselves while they are together.

That’s the whole reason, the main point, you have to be able to enjoy yourself when you’re alone and when you’re with someone. Don’t freak out about everysinglemotherfuckershizz! Don’t insist on labeling every single relationship! Quit being a pussy and start having fun! 

xoxo

Minino

Every time you get dressed think ‘bout all the different shizz you’re gonna be doing that day/night/afternoon/whatevs. Seriously, think about every single motherfuckah detail. Be extremely forehanded. As superficial as it might sounds you really have to. Trust me. It’s so much better to run into your exbitch looking like a motherfuckerpro than looking “mediocrely hot” or “I’d tap that booty if it wasn’t for that uglyass(insert whatever part of your body here)”.

We are who are but the rest of the world doesn’t know who we actually are (and they don’t effing have to, it’s not like you’re fucking LiLo you egocentric self absorbed whore!), so what we look like, to the rest of the world, is who we are. Deal with it.

It’s not ‘bout dressing up, wearing hot shit and being incredibly hawt, no, nah, not one bit, it’s about thinking of your personal image and being happy with it. If you leave your house every morning thinking “Okaw, dawmn, I’ve never looked hatter, I couldn’t care less if you galls hate me cuz I’m perrrty!” you could get anyfuckingthing you want. For real.

What people see is what YOU think, so think hot, be hot. And take that power to get anythang you want.

xoxo

MininoAsesino

Ok, seriously OMG! Eyesex. Eyefuckingsex. By far one of the most exciting shiz evah. I guess in a way that’s kinda the whole point of everything right? You get up, you get dressed and deep down inside of you, you’re like “Dawmn! I look pretty hot!” or “Mhmhm, you fine piece of ass, who wouldn’t wanna do you gawrl?!” or whatevs, something nice ‘bout you. The thing is, we pimp ourselves so that we get attention, in one level or another, we do, and anyone who says the opposite is a fuckingpussyfatassLIAR!

Anyways, having people looking at you is cool, we all know that, it’s exciting. I’m not saying you gotta be the fucking center of attention all the shitting time, but it’s nice right? Knowing that the girl/queen/badassdude/dyko/whatevs next to you is so effing turned on by you he/she/it whatevs might jump on you and fucking rape you: HOOOT! Not raped for real but being lusted by a crazyasshornyashellhottie as if there were no tomorrow. 

The thing is, eyesex can be as powerful as regular sex. You know he/she is looking, you are looking, there’s attraction, exhilaration, tingling, sensations, electricity, there’s just so much!  But it’s complicated, it’s almost as hard to enjoy eyesex as it is for a single mamma to get laid, it’s not impossible but the trickyness of it it’s exactly what makes it so fucking magical.

Keep your eyes/legs wide open y’all!

xoxo

Minino

I had no idea how much fun spending time alone could be. I mean seriously! And I’m not talking about “fun alone time” as in “I just jerked my cock off and it was da best motherfucking shizz evah!” or “OMSG! The dildo I just got keeps getting better and better”. It’s so effing great spending time alone! You get to do whatever you wanna do, you pick your own restaurant, you don’t care if what you are having is THE MOST fattening shit you’ve ever had/will have, you can take as much time as you need, you get to have fun by yourself! You can see other people, but I mean really really see them, you get to watch their every moves, you can go wherevah you feel like going, you can have eyesex with whomever you want to, you get to meet new people and just feel fucking great.

Spending time with yourself it’s fucking amazing but you gotta be careful with this, you don’t wanna end up a miserable old fart all alone in a tiny flat with twelve kittys laying around you, or maybe you do wanna end up like that, I mean it could be kinda fun to be the crazy old lady who has a gazillion cats.

The thang is, everybody is always with somebody, be unique and don’t be afraid of doing something special with yourself, even if it is just going out for ice cream or pocking your vagaygay like there’s no tomorrow. At least once a week pamper yourself and do something nice for YOU.

I love you.

Minino.

1. If you’re fat be sexymotherfuckerfat! Embrace your fatness, have fun with it and make fatties hot again.

2. Call your friends, even if it’s just to say hi, trust me it’ll make their day.

3. Have at least one pair of vintage jeans and one pair of old converse high tops.

4. If you’re ‘bout to cum be polite and do tell/warn the mothefuckah/mothefuckahs, otherwise you & him/her/whatevs will be sorry afterwards, but do it nicely, don’t scream or moan.

5. Don’t EVER apologize after having sex, no matter how lousy you were or how quick you came, it just makes everything worse.

6. Wear high hills at least once a week, I don’t care how much you think they hurt or how uncomfortable you think they are, they’re hot and you look smartasssexymothafuckahhot in them, even if you’re a dude (specially if you are a dude!).

7. Be fucking nice and say hi to me if you know me bitch! We both fucking know you saw me walking right next to you! Avoiding hellos just proves how much of a dick you are!

8. Be the best motherfucker gossipmonger! We all know how hot and fun it is to gossip, but if you’re gonna gossip you better do it the fancy way, like Glenn Close taught us.

9. If you’re at party dance your ass off! There’s nothing hotter than a sexy bad ass gawrl/gayguy/dude/trannie/dyke who knows how to move.

10. When you’re having sex be as creative as you can! The sky is the mother fucker limit! Don’t be afraid of anything & have as much fun as you can!

What do you think is worst? Having a really hot guy/girl turning you down or having a really uglyass ahole/bitch turning YOU down? I know, I know, whatevs with the looks right? But, I mean, give me a fucking break! Fugly people are supposed to be more desperate to hook up with someone right? You kinda expect to get turn down by a hottie but by dirtyfatass?! Really?! Whatevs, I know it sounds soooo mean for me to be saying this shit, but c’mon! It’s the effing truth, and anyone who says “looks are not as important” is talking bullshit. We all know it, it’s just harder for some people to come clean ‘bout it, physical attraction is elemental in any relationship.

If you have certain standards when looking for some action, don’t lower them, maybe they’re too high, maybe, whatevs, the thang is YOU DESERVE IT! You fucking deserve the bestmothafucking shiz so don’t settle with just anyone! Go for what you want! Except for those lonely nights when you’re horny as hell and the only human being avaliable is that uglyasstrollface dude/trannie hiding at a dark corner in da club. Just remember, if you are gonna do/blow/cuminside/frenchkiss him/her/whatevs be fucking safe motherfuckah!

xoxo

MininoAsesino 

Hey gawrls! I’m talking to all of you out there who feels like a lady, not just the sonsofbitches who actually have vajeyjeys!

It’s weird to loose control, I know it’s awful to say it but it is, when you are beginning to date someone you are expected to call him/her and have him/her calling you! It’s just what it is, I mean that’s how it works right? So one day you decide you are not gonna call, you are gonna wait for him/her to call you, maybe not “decide” as a conscious decision, maybe you just forget ‘bout that shit or you just were “too busy” doing some other shiz, maybe, whatever, the thing is you do not call. You wait, and you wait, and you wait, he is not calling! OMG! It’s one thing you don’t call him but what the fuck?! How come that motherfuckersonofabitchdirtyaholecocksucker is not calling?! And then you know, you just know, neither one of you care that much ‘bout it, and even though you never actually cared ‘bout him/her you still get pissed, not because you won’t see that uglyass face, but because of the fact that in a way you got your ass dumped. But whatevs! It don’t matter ‘cause you dumped that dirtytrainwreck as well so in way it’s all good, your level of hotness is still intact and the only thang for you to do is to find yourself an even hotter and needier bitch to date/sleepwith/blowinghimher/laughwith/whatevs asap.

Anyways, don’t be a jerk and call motherfucker!

xoxo

Minino

It’s funny how life turns things round. I don’t mean to sound all existential and shit but it does, so much. Ok, so, we’ve said that if you’re dating someone you should have at least the decency to call and say “Whatup gawrl, guess what? I’m dating a hotter byatch and me is lovahng it” or some shit like that, buuut it’s true, it’s so much easier to just let that relationship go and move on to the next one, like a real Asesino, like a mothefuckah, like the way it’s supposed to be.

But whatevs, I mean, if you really have to call you call, if you don’t care and you are pretty sure you won’t see that dirty a-hole evah again you just do not effing call, that’s the way it is, and it is what it is.

I guess the actual problem comes when you don’t wanna call but you fell like you could run in to the dirtyassface every once in a while and you’ve had let that mothefuckah cum on you! OMG you guys, it’s true, sex does complicates stuff, it’s so much easier to just never see him/her again if you’ve never done the dirties with him/her.

WHATEVAH! Screw with everyone you’re turn on by, blow him/her/tranny as if there were no fucking tomorrow and freaking cum in his/her/its face! I’m pretty sure the next day neither one of you will care. Just be fucking safe! MAJOR TURN OFF: STD’s!

xoxo

Asesino.